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Contributed by Chuck Lustig, of ExcitingWriting Communications

Last month I inaugurated a new way to improve your writing skills: Decide which of two similar sentences is better. Then look below at the answer key and compare your choices with mine. This month we continue with the sequel, Decide Which is Better II.
Decide Which is Better II
Read Sentence A and Sentence B. Then, decide which you think is better. Then look below for my opinion:

Sentence A: I learned a lot from John about delivering mail.
Sentence B: I learned a lot about delivering mail from John.

You can learn from people. You can learn about stuff. When they’re both in the same sentence, which comes first? Sentence A is better because it gives credit to the person first. What the person learned was secondary. When I say them aloud, Sentence A sounds better, don’t you agree? Not withstanding, the sentence, “I learned a lot about delivering mail today,” is fine on its own. Then you could follow it up with a second sentence, “John is a great teacher.” Everyone will assume John must have been the one who taught you what you learned. Writing short punchy sentences is often a superior solution to trying to stuff disparate information into one sentence.

Sentence A: A&B Recording released their earnings last week and the news wasn’t good.
Sentence B: A&B Recording released its earnings last week and the news wasn’t good.

The “their/its” confusion is epidemic. It’s not surprising. People get confused. They think a company is a group of people, so they use “their” to refer back to “company.” But a company is neither a person nor a group of people; it’s a neuter noun. Thus the correct answer is sentence B.

Sentence A: The A&B Recording executives released its earnings last week and the news wasn’t good.
Sentence B: The A&B Recording executives released their earnings last week and the news wasn’t good.

Yes, I planned this coming off of sentence pair #2 so you might get confused. Bless you if you did not. Without any context, technically speaking, sentence B is correct. Sentence A is incorrect. The word “executives” is the subject of this sentence pair. Thus “their” is correct because the “executives” are the ones doing the releasing. However, I could easily place a sentence in front of this sentence pair that would change that. Let’s say a sentence preceded this sentence that ended with the word “company.” Then Sentence A would be far better because even though the executives might have done the releasing, the earnings are more rightly the company’s, not the executives’.

Sentence A: Our executives tell us they boast how our system helps them work more productively to friends and business associates.
Sentence B: Our executives tell us they boast to friends and business associates how our system helps them work more productively.

Sentence B is better. In Sentence A, you have to hold your breath, so to speak, after your read the word “boast” until you reach the word “to” later on. As in sentence-choice #1, it’s better when the people come first. And notice how the tone of Sentence B is more elegant than Sentence A. It sounds more refined and is more readable when the “how” is placed later in the sentence.

Sentence A: The team won the coveted championship for three consecutive years
Sentence B: The team won the coveted championship three years straight (or: in a row).

Sentence A is better. Whenever you can tuck an adjective in front of a noun and write fewer words, do it! “Consecutive” gives a higher level tone than “straight” or “in a row,” as well. Last month, we covered the same thing in #3: “a threshold that is predetermined” vs. “a predetermined threshold.” Putting “predetermined” in front of “threshold” sounds more professional and takes fewer words.

Sentence A: All the people on the staff have worked hard for this award.
Sentence B: The staff has worked hard for this award.
Sentence B is better. If the staff worked hard for something, it must include “all the people on the staff.” So why use more words when you can say the same thing with fewer?

Sentence A: Both GBA corporate help desks have one telephone number everywhere in the world
Sentence B: Both GBA corporate help desks have one identical telephone number everywhere in the world.

Sentence A is better. If both help desks have one number, it must be identical. Thus the word “identical” is unnecessary. I often come across this error. In fact, I find most uses of the word “identical” to be redundant. The term “identical twins” is one of the rare instances the word serves a useful purpose.

Sentence A: The food was distributed to all the refugees.
Sentence B: UNICEF distributed the food to the refugees

Sentence B is better in two ways! First, in a high percentage of cases the word “all” is redundant. The next time you notice yourself using this word, see if you can delete it without altering the meaning. I’ll bet you can! Second, sentence A is in passive voice. It doesn’t tell you who did the action, only that it was done. Sentence B tells you UNICEF distributed the food and, thus, is more informative and satisfying to read.

Sentence A: Equipment is beginning to be installed in the new building.
Sentence B: Equipment is being installed in the new building.

In most instances, sentence B is better. I often find writing that wastes words making unnecessary distinctions. If the equipment is in the process of being installed, does it matter that it’s “beginning to be installed?” In most cases, no. If it is important, decide why it’s important and then write a separate sentence that describes that reason. For example, “In the beginning stages of implementation, we found thus and so.”

Sentence A: The marketing team reacted to the new CEO in a variety of ways.
Sentence B: Members of the marketing team reacted to the new CEO in different ways.

Sentence B is better. A team is composed of people yet it is a way of describing a group. If that unit is not acting as a group, add the words “members of” in front of the words “the marketing team” to indicate what group but to still allow for those differences among members.

I frequently catch myself making these mistakes.(That’s why I know them so well!) Notice I didn’t write, “all these mistakes.” “All” is unnecessary. (It’s okay to write “all the time,” as in “I catch myself making these mistakes all the time.” There it is used as part of common phrase. It is one of the few legitimate uses of the word “all.”) Don’t try to correct yourself while writing the first draft. In the first draft just get down what you want to say. Think about these kinds of distinctions as you revise the draft. Notice, I didn’t write, “As you begin to revise the draft.”