ExcitingWriting- Decide Which is Better, Sentence A or Sentence B?
Contributed by Chuck Lustig, of ExcitingWriting Communications
Writing is all about choices: idea choices, word choices, sentence structure choices, punctuation choices, choices about the feelings you wish to convey, etc. You can improve your writing by making better choices. This month’s ExcitingWriting Advisory asks you to choose which of two similar sentences is better. After you decide, read my analysis below and tell me if you don’t agree. Better yet, tell me if you do.
Decide Which is Better, Sentence A or Sentence B?
1.
Sentence A: As the new executive vice president, I was put to the test.
Sentence B: I was put to the test as the new executive vice president.
Answer: I can imagine a context where either would be superior BUT, in general, you should never bury the “payload” of a sentence. As with a rocket’s payload, the payload of a sentence is the reason why you’re writing it in the first place. Clearly, the payload of the sentence is, “I was put to the test.” Sentence A buries the payload by putting it at the end. Sentence B is superior because it puts the payload at the beginning.
2.
Sentence A. Currently, the company’s IP and experience are superior enough to differentiate it in Dallas and across the country.
Sentence B. Currently, the company’s IP and experience are so superior, they differentiate the company in Dallas and across the country.
Answer: Avoid “so” sentence structures. They are so-so! Sentence A is simpler and better.
3.
Sentence A. When the number of bids for a product exceeds a threshold that is predetermined, a flag goes up.
Sentence B. When the number of bids for a product exceeds a predetermined threshold, a flag goes up.
Answer: Whenever you can turn phrases like “a threshold that’s predetermined” into phrases like, “a predetermined threshold,” your writing will be more professional. Sentence B is the better choice.
4.
Sentence A. Our advantage is knowing all the pitfalls going in.
Sentence B. Our advantage is going in knowing all the pitfalls.
Answer: The advantage is “knowing all the pitfalls.” The advantage is not “going in knowing.” Sentence A is better because it places the actual advantage closest to the word “advantage.”
5.
Sentence A. We know more about it than anyone else, and we can prove it because we have so many case studies.
Sentence B. We know more about it than anyone else, and we have the case studies to prove it.
Answer: The “We have the ____ to prove it” structure is always superior. I come across this one often. Fill in the blank. Whenever you write “and we can prove it,” look for ways to turn it into a Sentence B.
6.
Sentence A. While conversing with executives, I came across Jane and asked her what she was saying about Sandra to Joe.
Sentence B. While conversing with executives, I came across Jane and asked her what she was saying to Joe about Sandra.
Answer: This is a tough one. It could go either way, but for me there is only one choice, Sentence A. This example points to a rule I call, “Go with the flow.” In this case, the flow of the sentence is “saying about Sandra.” In sentence B, “to Joe” is interruptive because it comes between “saying” and “about Sandra.” Generally, go with the flow of sentences. Don’t interrupt them with phrases unless absolutely necessary.
7.
Sentence A. Guidelines were published last month by HR.
Sentence B. HR published guidelines last month.
Answer: No question about it: Sentence B, written in active voice, is superior to Sentence A, written in passive voice. If you’d like to read an ExcitingWriting Advisory about passive voice, email me and I’ll send it to you.
8.
Sentence A. We’ve got to tackle a tough problem.
Sentence B. We’ve got to solve a difficult problem.
Answer: I suppose you could argue that tackling a problem means you’ve brought it to the ground and stopped its forward progress, thus, the problem is not getting any worse. Solving a problem is effectively eliminating it. I recommend against using “tackle” in reference to “problems.” It’s not clear. Problems can be “tough,” but I think it is more clear when we call them “difficult.”
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