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Contributed by Chuck Lustig, of ExcitingWriting Communications

This month I continue with an approach I’ve dubbed, “Which is better?” Look at the pairs of similar sentences below (Sentence A and Sentence B) and decide which is better. Then compare your choices with mine by looking at the answer key below. Last month’s ExcitingWriting Advisory brought notable comments from Tom Schneider of American Heart about last month’s #1 and #7. I am repeating them as #1 and #2 in this month’s lineup. Tom’s comments are in the answer key. Below the answer key, you’ll find a discussion of “sectarian” and “nonsectarian,” words very much in the news today. Next month, I’ll revert to the normal format, giving the “Which is better?” format a well deserved rest.

Decide Which is Better III
Read each sentence pair and decide which you think is better. Then look below in the Answer Key for my opinion:

1.
Sentence A: I learned a lot from John about delivering mail.
Sentence B: I learned a lot about delivering mail from John.

2.
Sentence A: Both GBA corporate help desks have one telephone number everywhere in the world.
Sentence B: Both GBA corporate help desks have one identical telephone number everywhere in the world.

3.
Sentence A: Due to the variety of equipment brands at work in the system, maintenance was expensive and inefficient.
Sentence B: Due to its multi-vendor environment, maintenance was expensive and inefficient.

4.
Sentence A: We should spend our resources on projects that focus on our mission.
Sentence B: It felt to me like our resources could be better spent on projects that are directly focused on our mission.

5.
Sentence A: The marketing team reacted to the new CEO in a variety of ways.
Sentence B: Members of the marketing team reacted to the new CEO in different ways.

6.
Sentence A: Equipment is beginning to be installed in the new building.
Sentence B: Equipment is being installed in the new building.

7.
Sentence A: Let’s improve the level of service being provided by staff.
Sentence B: Let’s improve staff service levels.

Answer Key

Tom Schneider wrote, “I like your writing advisories. One thing they consistently point up for me is how hard the job of getting the words right really is.” How true! How true! Thank you, Tom, for your contribution.

1. Last month, I wrote Sentence A is better because it sounds better to my ear when the person’s name comes first, “A lot from John,” rather than going into an “about” clause and coming around to “from John” at the end. Tom wrote either can be correct, depending on context: “I can’t tell which is better without more context. Do you want to highlight the person or the training? I could say, ‘The team members have been extremely helpful. I learned a lot from John about delivering mail. Mary showed me how to use the phone.’ Or, I could say, ‘I can’t believe how much there is to know here! I learned a lot about delivering mail from John. And I never knew how much there was to know about packaging!’ I don’t think focusing on the person is always the right answer.” Tom is absolutely correct. It can go either way, and context is crucial. Out of context, however, Sentence A still sounds better to my ear.

2. Last month, when this was #7, Tom wrote, “I don’t agree that if two help desks have one number, it must be the same number. I think it would be true to write, ‘Both Tom and Chuck have one telephone number throughout the world,’ but to me that doesn’t mean we have the same number. I think you’d have to write, ‘Both GBA corporate help desks have the same telephone number everywhere in the world.’ Tom is absolutely correct. There is a big difference between having one number and having the same number. Both sentences A and B would have been better written “the same telephone number” rather than “one telephone number.” The word “identical” in Sentence B is unnecessary. If it’s the same number, it has to be identical.

3. Sentence A has wasted words. It’s flabby! (Don’t you love my righteous indignation?) The words “at work in the system” do no good. You may not like the phrase “multi-vendor environment.” You could say it’s “too techy.” That’s fine. Then, I would contend, “Due to the variety of equipment brands, maintenance was expensive and inefficient” is superior. We could also argue whether it’s necessary to say “expensive and inefficient.” Wouldn’t using one word, for example, “expensive” be sufficient? I’ll let you argue that one on your own!

4. This couplet illustrates a common mistake. “It felt to me like” are wasted words. It’s obvious the opinion represents the writer’s feelings. Thus, it is better to leave those words out and get right to the opinion. Notice how much more succinct Sentence A is.

5. Here we are again discussing the ins and outs of a collective noun like “team.” (We discussed “staff” in last month’s #6.) And here Sentence B is better because members had different opinions. If the opinions are different, let’s emphasize the members, not the team. If they had been unanimous in their reaction, Sentence A’s approach might be superior. The sentence might then become: “The marketing team was of one opinion about the new CEO.”

6. Sentence A is flabby. Rarely does it matter if equipment is in the beginning stages of installation. Sentence B is leaner.

7. Notice how Sentence B cuts the flab and delivers the meaning!